erin's Journal

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Wednesday, July 16, 2003

8:09PM - why

so I had this little song for him, just every time I heard the lyrics I thought of him:

I really like what you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you

and every time I heard the song it made me so happy cos it's just exactly how I felt. I never thought I would like him that way, but he just did sompin to me that made me like him so much, want to spend every second with him, and I didn't know why. It was just him.

Every day I see your face I'd wish that it stayed
dont even know what made you run away
its just the way you play the game
emotional is not a word I use to explain myself
and now you got me down upon my knee's
oh baby please just take me back

I dont want to be in love, but your making me
let me up ive had enough
boy your breakin me

Now here I am, half a woman standing alone,
this feeling like ive lost my only chance at happiness
when I let you go,no i dont want to be alone, thinking bout you boy
I've got nothing left to hold in my lonely world

The first time my heart was ever touched, was the day I lost your love,
I can feel it in my flesh my flesh and blood,
but my soul can only take so much

So there it is, why cant you give it one more try,
you and i can find a why to live if you let me in just one more time,
I know you've lost your faith in me, but I still believe,
cant I make you understand, can I make you see,
I am desperate for your love, and its breaking me.

I knew this would happen, the moment I let myself really like him he would hurt me. I just want him back.
take my hand, take my whole life too
for I can't help falling in love with you.

Current mood: depressed

Current music: Elvis - can't help falling

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Sunday, July 13, 2003

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

9:12AM - there's a soco song about you!

nobody has ever made me feel that comfortable, that wanted. It was the first time anyone has asked me. the first time someone didn't care about only themself. I never wanted to let go.

Current mood: happy

Current music: photo class!!!

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Monday, June 16, 2003

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

11:46PM - memories

Currently, there are a handful of songs that remind me of certain people, especially one person. I'm sure this is true for a lot of you. Does this mean that no matter how old we get, these songs will always make us think of these people, or will there be a time when the songs no longer hold these memories for us, whether they're good or bad

Current mood: scared

Current music: Lynard Skynard - Tuesday's Gone

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Monday, May 26, 2003

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Sunday, May 4, 2003

4:52PM - Rancho Murieta Equine Complex Spring Horse Trials

Well, my fuck of a horse bucked me off (again, second time in three days) eliminating us from the competition. god damn it. and this one was bad too. i remember laying on the ground for like 5 minutes and i just couldn't move. jeezy i wanted to kill him. and that's my last competition until july, so that really sucks; i can't make it up for a while. i'm still so pissed at him. grr.

mark, even though you're gonna be home soon, you should write on your livejournal more so when i don't talk to you for a bit i know what's going on with ya.

Current mood: sore

Current music: lullaby - cure

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Monday, April 21, 2003

11:20PM - Mr. jones is sick of me sittin on him

oh man, LA. i had never really been there before. i mean, i've been through it, but never actually in it. i guess i still can't get over areas like bel air and beverly hills. i just can't even imagine living there. living in a huge ass house, surrounded by more huge ass houses, being neighbors with brad pitt or nicholas cage, having millions of dollars and friends who all have millions of dollars. it just seems so crazy to me. but at the same time, kathryn and i used to always talk about the famous people we were going to marry, and live in LA with them, so probably beverly hills and how we were gonna be so cool and happy. oh man. hey it could happen. she's marry whichever movie star she likes at the moment (it keeps changing) and i'll marry nick (shut up) and our kids will go to marymount high school and race their nice cars along sunset at like 70 mph and we'll get together all the time and have lunch at the beverly hills hotel. doesn't that just sound peachy? oh what were we thinking?
to be more serious, i'm wondering if i could really go to school in LA. do i really want to make that place my home? the only thing i didn't like about it, esp. LMU, was the lack of trees. trees are nice, do i want to give them up? i think i'm just finding stupid excuses cos i'm really nervous about leaving. it's gonna be hard.
watched a special idol at roxane's tonight, no voting, just singing. i think it's funny that i'm so into that show. ha. seeing roxy was nice though. i really love her a lot, but i hate how i barely ever see her. we used to be so close, now it's so hard to take at times. i've experienced a bunch of things for the first time with her, and it's amazing knowing the changes we've been through together, i guess nobody can else can claim them or take that away. i can never be unhappy when i'm around her, i wish i was around her more.

ummm, poison oak and a cold. why can't i have them one at a time?

Current mood: groggy

Current music: the dryer going round and round

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Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Sunday, April 13, 2003

10:06PM

so it feels like now that my high school career is coming to an end, things are happening finally that i wanted years ago. it's not that i don't want to go start a new stage in my life, i do, i just, i don't know how to phrase it really. my riding is finally getting good, and my horse is finally at a stage that we have the potential to move to a really high level, but i'm leaving. i would say i could just stay home next year and compete, but it wouldn't be the same. things just kinda change. it's like i have this rhythm going right now with riding and school, and staying home next year would mess it all up. it's kinda hard to communicate this feeling, but this boy this weekend really helped me to realize some things, and i want to thank him but i don't know how.

i feel really separated from, i guess my high school life. by this i mean school, friends, dating, socializing, college, basically anything that isn't horses. i know so few people at mc, and talk to even less, but i never have the time or effort to talk to others; i don't see friends outside of school very much, and when i do it almost feels like we've spent too much time away from each other and don't know what to say; i have no chance to be with the guy i like, and even if i did i wouldn't know what to do with myself, --- and all this adds up to me feeling so alone. i guess that's why i had so much fun this weekend - i was in a place where i'm just like everyone else, where everyone has a first priority and doesn't miss out. and nothing from home mattered. that could have been my life and it would have been complete. i didn't want to come home, i honestly didn't.

one thing i've learned recently is to not be so sensitive. this time in life is too short to take everybody's actions so personally, it's easy to tell who your friends are and which ones aren't, and if they don't always do everything how you want, oh well. this has kind of been my problem, but i've realized stupid things like that don't matter. all the good people in my life will be there when i need them, that's all that matters.

but as for letting myself be tortured by guys, i'm afraid i'll never learn anything. i've liked this guy since, when, mid december, and since then our "friendship" has only gotten worse, while i only continue to like him more. why? lets see: he's so talented, half the time he ignores me at school, he can sing - which has always made me melt, he runs away from confrontational situations, he kisses so well, not well, but beautifully, he'll be an ass for a few weeks then so so nice for just one day, just to drag me along, when i actually talk to him he's one of the only people that understands where i'm coming from. well i could keep going on and on, but it's pointless just listing it for myself. i just don't know what to do. i don't think i'll ever know.

what did i do
what did i say
to turn your angel eyes away.

Current mood: distressed

Current music: angel eyes

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Wednesday, April 2, 2003

11:30PM - Jr. Novice HT Champion right here!!! yea baby

so i should be out right now, enjoying my spring break. senior year spring break, it's spose to be so great or sompin. but whenever i think of going out somewhere, i just get feeling so sick, i donno why really, i guess cos of how things are going right now. i honestly just want school to start again. cos then i have a reason for not being out, i gotta get up early the next day. now though, i have nothing. on more levels than one.

dum spiro spero. of what, i don't know yet

there are times when i respect ryan more than anybody in the world. i don't know what it is, i guess just cos he has followed his passion so well, and he's such a cool guy. i love the fact that i connect with him so well, like no other trainer i've had. like i wouldn't be afraid to go to him with a problem, a more personal problem. i talked to him on da phone today and it was just like talking to a friend, one of the few people that i know really wants to be talking to me, and really sees in me something great. he asked me to be his working student the other night, all summer. i donno if it would work, it might entail living down there, all summer. he's not that cool.

i feel like i want to scream everything i feel to the world, yet i want no one to know

Current mood: crushed

Current music: the backyard boogie

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Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Sunday, March 9, 2003

Tuesday, March 4, 2003

Thursday, February 27, 2003

10:10AM

a kiss on my cheek
sweet words followed by more sweet words
you tell me you miss me...(where did i go?)
and i'm falling for it

it's like i hardly see the sky sometimes

Current mood: nervous

Current music: mandalay

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Monday, February 24, 2003

11:12PM - my cat is annoying

I wish that poetry could just flow out of me. that i could just sit down and pick up a pen and out of me would come every thought in my body, phrased perfectly so that the jumble in my head was made beautiful. there was a time, i remember, when i did write a lot. heh, i even wrote a poem about how i used to be able to write well, and now i can't. i had an inspiration for a while, it kept my mind and my hand occupied, but now that it's left (and for another reason i'm so happy about this)i have nothing. at least i feel like i don't. so many times thoughts will be racing in my head and i'll sit down before a blank page, and an hour later leave the blank page. maybe i should do that from now on.







blank
page







kinda like what i want with you. a blank page. so we can try again.

Current mood: uncomfortable

Current music: Guster - Mona Lisa

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Tuesday, February 18, 2003

11:56PM - HAPPY BIRTHDAY NELL!!!

something that pisses me off-
so i saw something corporate in SF for 20 bucks. (the ticket wasn't quite that much but i payed for will call or sompin) but yea, 20 of my own dollars. when i was at ucsd this weekend, i learn that soco and julianna theory are playing there next week, FOR FREE. free to students. how mad.

Current mood: okay

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